snowdarkred (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
snowdarkred) wrote2009-12-03 10:46 am
snowdarkred) wrote2009-12-03 10:46 am
Entry tags:
Advice columnist tells a rape victim that it was her own fault?
I put this up on my facebook, but I'm posting it here too. This makes me sick.
I'm talking about a Dear Amy column at the Chicago Tribune that was published on November 27, 2009. A girl wrote in and.... I'm just going to copy and paste because I'm shaking with anger and I can' even type:
(The bold emphasis is mine.)
-----
(Edit:Also of note is one of the headlines this ran under: Sobering Advice to Rape Victim. I'm not even kidding. This ran here. Because lame, judgmental puns are FUN, dammit!)
Dear Amy: I recently attended a frat party, got drunk and made some bad decisions.
I let a guy take me to "his" room because he promised that he wouldn't do anything I wasn't comfortable with.
Many times, I clearly said I didn't want to have sex, and he promised to my face that he wouldn't.
Then he quickly proceeded to go against what he "promised." I was shocked, and maybe being intoxicated made my reaction time a bit slow in realizing what was happening.
We were soon kicked out of the room by the guy who lived there, who was pretty angry.
I guess my question is, if I wasn't kicking and fighting him off, is it still rape?
I feel like calling it that is a bit extreme, but I haven't felt the same since it happened.
Am I a victim?
-- Victim? in Virginia
Dear Victim?: First of all, thank you. I hope your letter will be posted on college bulletin boards everywhere.
Were you a victim? Yes.
First, you were a victim of your own awful judgment. Getting drunk at a frat house is a hazardous choice for anyone to make because of the risk (some might say a likelihood) that you will engage in unwise or unwanted sexual contact.
You don't say whether the guy was also drunk. If so, his judgment was also impaired.
No matter what -- no means no. If you say no beforehand, then the sex shouldn't happen. If you say no while its happening, then the sex should stop.
According to the Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network Web site (rainn.org):
"Alcohol and drugs are not an excuse -- or an alibi. The key question is still: Did you consent or not? Regardless of whether you were drunk or sober, if the sex is nonconsensual, it is rape. However, because each state has different definitions of "nonconsensual," please contact your local center or local police if you have questions about this. (If you were so drunk or drugged that you passed out and were unable to consent, it was rape. Both people must be conscious and willing participants.)"
Go to your college's health department to be tested for STDs and pregnancy. See a counselor to determine how you want to approach this. You must involve the guy in question in order to determine what happened and because he absolutely must take responsibility and face the consequences for his actions, just as you are prepared to do. He may have done this before.
----
Oh my fucking god, really? Really? I can't even begin to say how many things are wrong with this response. 'Amy' says that, yes, the girl was raped and then turned around and blamed it on her drinking. I.... This makes me want to punch 'Amy' in the face. Repeatedly. She blames the victim and then tells the girl to approach her rapist to confirm that he raped her. Because he obviously won't either deny it or try to silence her.
The 'advice' can be found HERE. Please send this woman hate mail. I'm not even kidding. I usually don't advocate that kind of action, but to say this in print to a young woman, plus all of the other women who read this....
Rape is never the victim's fault, nor is it about sex. It's about control, and for this woman to print this and call it 'advice'....
.
I'm talking about a Dear Amy column at the Chicago Tribune that was published on November 27, 2009. A girl wrote in and.... I'm just going to copy and paste because I'm shaking with anger and I can' even type:
(The bold emphasis is mine.)
-----
Rape question a matter of consent
(Edit:Also of note is one of the headlines this ran under: Sobering Advice to Rape Victim. I'm not even kidding. This ran here. Because lame, judgmental puns are FUN, dammit!)
Dear Amy: I recently attended a frat party, got drunk and made some bad decisions.
I let a guy take me to "his" room because he promised that he wouldn't do anything I wasn't comfortable with.
Many times, I clearly said I didn't want to have sex, and he promised to my face that he wouldn't.
Then he quickly proceeded to go against what he "promised." I was shocked, and maybe being intoxicated made my reaction time a bit slow in realizing what was happening.
We were soon kicked out of the room by the guy who lived there, who was pretty angry.
I guess my question is, if I wasn't kicking and fighting him off, is it still rape?
I feel like calling it that is a bit extreme, but I haven't felt the same since it happened.
Am I a victim?
-- Victim? in Virginia
Dear Victim?: First of all, thank you. I hope your letter will be posted on college bulletin boards everywhere.
Were you a victim? Yes.
First, you were a victim of your own awful judgment. Getting drunk at a frat house is a hazardous choice for anyone to make because of the risk (some might say a likelihood) that you will engage in unwise or unwanted sexual contact.
You don't say whether the guy was also drunk. If so, his judgment was also impaired.
No matter what -- no means no. If you say no beforehand, then the sex shouldn't happen. If you say no while its happening, then the sex should stop.
According to the Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network Web site (rainn.org):
"Alcohol and drugs are not an excuse -- or an alibi. The key question is still: Did you consent or not? Regardless of whether you were drunk or sober, if the sex is nonconsensual, it is rape. However, because each state has different definitions of "nonconsensual," please contact your local center or local police if you have questions about this. (If you were so drunk or drugged that you passed out and were unable to consent, it was rape. Both people must be conscious and willing participants.)"
Go to your college's health department to be tested for STDs and pregnancy. See a counselor to determine how you want to approach this. You must involve the guy in question in order to determine what happened and because he absolutely must take responsibility and face the consequences for his actions, just as you are prepared to do. He may have done this before.
----
Oh my fucking god, really? Really? I can't even begin to say how many things are wrong with this response. 'Amy' says that, yes, the girl was raped and then turned around and blamed it on her drinking. I.... This makes me want to punch 'Amy' in the face. Repeatedly. She blames the victim and then tells the girl to approach her rapist to confirm that he raped her. Because he obviously won't either deny it or try to silence her.
The 'advice' can be found HERE. Please send this woman hate mail. I'm not even kidding. I usually don't advocate that kind of action, but to say this in print to a young woman, plus all of the other women who read this....
Rape is never the victim's fault, nor is it about sex. It's about control, and for this woman to print this and call it 'advice'....
.
no subject
Its absolutely ridiculous to blame a rape victim for their own rape.
Having said that though, I think there are certain risk factors that should have been looked at and I think that's what Amy was poorly attempting to address.
The key one is alcohol here. Excessive drinking can lead to poor decision-making, a fact the victim admits to. I can't imagine why else a guy would invite a girl up to his room during a booze party except to make his move. Clearly, she was not interested, so why did she get herself into that environment? Because alcohol makes people more pliable. That's why many a rape in the college environment involves alcohol.
In short, drink responsibily, don't leave your drink unattended and for the love of Sts. Peter and Timothy, don't go to a guy's room or any area where you're alone while intoxicated in that environment. Stay in public, preferably with friends.
All this does not excuse the rape though. The blame is still solely on Mr. Frat Boy (btw, thanks, Ask Amy, for painting all frat boys who drink as serial rapists!).
No = No.
Yes = Yes.
Yes + Booze = No.
Yes + Drugs = No.
Impaired judgement or not, he is still responsible for his actions. He knew what he was doing when he invited her up to his room even after she stated she wasn't interested. What did you think he had in mind? Video games? Blogging?
Poorly written advice and I'm certain that in the next few weeks, she'll post some reader response, maybe yours, to which she'll attempt to justify herself. My advice is to keep the vitriol down to a minimum so she can take your letter seriously.