Marvel fic: Avengers: (it's better off not knowing)

[snowdarkred]

Title: (it's better off not knowing)
Author: snowdarkred 
Word Count:  ~350
Pairings: implied Tony/Steve or Steve/Tony or whatever order you're supposed to put this in
Rating/Warnings: ~PG, angsty, post-Civil War and all the shit that entails
Author's Note: I don't even know. Avengers fic. Yeah. Um. Angsty Avengers fic. Barely coherent Avengers fic. I need to stop doing random 'and then so-and-so starts to go slightly crazy from trauma and living too much inside their own head' fics. Also, not crossposted anywhere because I took a look at the rules on the comm and ran away like a little girl.  Crossposted due to anruiukimi's encouragement. Ahem. Because I'm not shameless at all.

Summery: Tony is broken. He wants Steve to stop trying to fix him, because Steve is dead, and Tony shouldn't be seeing him anyway.

(it's better off not knowing)

 

Tony closes his eyes and tries to block out the uniform white of the walls.

 

Go away, he screams from the safety of his own mind. Just leave me alone. Except his mind isn't safe, hasn't been for a long time, would never be again because—

 

Because there are ghosts swimming before his closed eyes, dead people. People who he's lost, who would never return, could never return because—

 

Because he'd killed them. Maybe not directly, maybe he hadn't pulled the trigger, or flipped the switch, or, or—but he'd killed them, he'd caused their deaths. It was his fault because—

 

Because he's supposed to be better, be stronger, and he's not. He's anything but. He let's people down, again and again, and he can't seem to stop it. He's a failure because—

 

Because they're gone, and it's his fault. Because he isn't faster or smarter or stronger. They're all gone, all dead. He's gone. He's gone, and he's dead, and it's all Tony's fault. He hadn't been the one who pulled the trigger, but he might as well have. He might as well have because—

 

Everyone had been depending on him. He'd let everyone down. He'd let him down. Now he was dead, and he'd hated Tony before he died, and it was all Tony's fault.

 

“I don't hate you, Tony,” he says. Tony doesn't open his eyes; he doesn't have to. He's right there, behind his eyelids, smiling with that goofy, puzzled grin that Tony had come to know and love whenever Tony started rambling about something technological that Ste—he couldn't begin to understand. Tony doesn't want to look, can't look, because—

 

Because he knows that if he opens his eyes, he'll just be alone again, and he can't handle that. This isn't real, it's not real, it's not happening. Everyone's dead; all that's left is his memories and his slowly slipping sanity. He can't look because—

 

Because Captain America is dead, and it's all Tony's fault.

 

“It wasn't your fault, Tony,” he says. "I could never hate you. Please, Tony, please just look at me." Tony turns away and keeps his eyes closed. He doesn't want to open them and see an empty room.

 

---

Er, I'll just be over there, banging my head against a wall.

Comments

[anruiukimi.livejournal.com]

Why not post it? The rules are comprehensive over there, but I don't see anything that would disallow this. XD;

Oh, yes, ANGSTY TONY. I always like angsty Tony. :)

<3

[snowdarkred.livejournal.com]

Alright, alright, I'll suck it up and post it over there. (I always get a little nervous before posting something on a comm I've never used before. Eh, it's a social anxiety thing.)

ANGSTY TONY is the best. XD Especially when served with a side of possible crazy! :D

[anruiukimi.livejournal.com]

;) I see you followed through. <3

[snowdarkred.livejournal.com]

Sometimes I need a little extra push to get things out there. :D

*NOM NOM NOM NOM* Thanks for the gift! XD

[tsukinofaerii.livejournal.com]

(wibbles and tears up) Oh, Tony. I'm glad you crossposted to cap_ironman. This is lovely and hurty. ♥

[snowdarkred.livejournal.com]

Thank you! I switch fandoms a lot, but I'm always nervous when I go to post something on a comm. ^^ Sometimes it's nice when people give me push to "get out more" in fandom.

[dieewigenacht.livejournal.com]

I really liked this, it's SAAAD

[snowdarkred.livejournal.com]

I know; I'm kind of an angstwhore.

I'm glad you liked it, sadness and all. ^^

[maxdasuki.livejournal.com]

It's really sad...

[snowdarkred.livejournal.com]

<3 Tony just hurts so prettily....

[ewanspotter.livejournal.com]

That's so painful (erm, the situation, not the story). Great job. Poor Tony.

[snowdarkred.livejournal.com]

Thank you! <3