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snowdarkredI put this up on my facebook, but I'm posting it here too. This makes me sick.
I'm talking about a Dear Amy column at the Chicago Tribune that was published on November 27, 2009. A girl wrote in and.... I'm just going to copy and paste because I'm shaking with anger and I can' even type:
(The bold emphasis is mine.)
-----
(Edit:Also of note is one of the headlines this ran under: Sobering Advice to Rape Victim. I'm not even kidding. This ran here. Because lame, judgmental puns are FUN, dammit!)
Dear Amy: I recently attended a frat party, got drunk and made some bad decisions.
I let a guy take me to "his" room because he promised that he wouldn't do anything I wasn't comfortable with.
Many times, I clearly said I didn't want to have sex, and he promised to my face that he wouldn't.
Then he quickly proceeded to go against what he "promised." I was shocked, and maybe being intoxicated made my reaction time a bit slow in realizing what was happening.
We were soon kicked out of the room by the guy who lived there, who was pretty angry.
I guess my question is, if I wasn't kicking and fighting him off, is it still rape?
I feel like calling it that is a bit extreme, but I haven't felt the same since it happened.
Am I a victim?
-- Victim? in Virginia
Dear Victim?: First of all, thank you. I hope your letter will be posted on college bulletin boards everywhere.
Were you a victim? Yes.
First, you were a victim of your own awful judgment. Getting drunk at a frat house is a hazardous choice for anyone to make because of the risk (some might say a likelihood) that you will engage in unwise or unwanted sexual contact.
You don't say whether the guy was also drunk. If so, his judgment was also impaired.
No matter what -- no means no. If you say no beforehand, then the sex shouldn't happen. If you say no while its happening, then the sex should stop.
According to the Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network Web site (rainn.org):
"Alcohol and drugs are not an excuse -- or an alibi. The key question is still: Did you consent or not? Regardless of whether you were drunk or sober, if the sex is nonconsensual, it is rape. However, because each state has different definitions of "nonconsensual," please contact your local center or local police if you have questions about this. (If you were so drunk or drugged that you passed out and were unable to consent, it was rape. Both people must be conscious and willing participants.)"
Go to your college's health department to be tested for STDs and pregnancy. See a counselor to determine how you want to approach this. You must involve the guy in question in order to determine what happened and because he absolutely must take responsibility and face the consequences for his actions, just as you are prepared to do. He may have done this before.
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Oh my fucking god, really? Really? I can't even begin to say how many things are wrong with this response. 'Amy' says that, yes, the girl was raped and then turned around and blamed it on her drinking. I.... This makes me want to punch 'Amy' in the face. Repeatedly. She blames the victim and then tells the girl to approach her rapist to confirm that he raped her. Because he obviously won't either deny it or try to silence her.
The 'advice' can be found HERE. Please send this woman hate mail. I'm not even kidding. I usually don't advocate that kind of action, but to say this in print to a young woman, plus all of the other women who read this....
Rape is never the victim's fault, nor is it about sex. It's about control, and for this woman to print this and call it 'advice'....
.
I'm talking about a Dear Amy column at the Chicago Tribune that was published on November 27, 2009. A girl wrote in and.... I'm just going to copy and paste because I'm shaking with anger and I can' even type:
(The bold emphasis is mine.)
-----
Rape question a matter of consent
(Edit:Also of note is one of the headlines this ran under: Sobering Advice to Rape Victim. I'm not even kidding. This ran here. Because lame, judgmental puns are FUN, dammit!)
Dear Amy: I recently attended a frat party, got drunk and made some bad decisions.
I let a guy take me to "his" room because he promised that he wouldn't do anything I wasn't comfortable with.
Many times, I clearly said I didn't want to have sex, and he promised to my face that he wouldn't.
Then he quickly proceeded to go against what he "promised." I was shocked, and maybe being intoxicated made my reaction time a bit slow in realizing what was happening.
We were soon kicked out of the room by the guy who lived there, who was pretty angry.
I guess my question is, if I wasn't kicking and fighting him off, is it still rape?
I feel like calling it that is a bit extreme, but I haven't felt the same since it happened.
Am I a victim?
-- Victim? in Virginia
Dear Victim?: First of all, thank you. I hope your letter will be posted on college bulletin boards everywhere.
Were you a victim? Yes.
First, you were a victim of your own awful judgment. Getting drunk at a frat house is a hazardous choice for anyone to make because of the risk (some might say a likelihood) that you will engage in unwise or unwanted sexual contact.
You don't say whether the guy was also drunk. If so, his judgment was also impaired.
No matter what -- no means no. If you say no beforehand, then the sex shouldn't happen. If you say no while its happening, then the sex should stop.
According to the Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network Web site (rainn.org):
"Alcohol and drugs are not an excuse -- or an alibi. The key question is still: Did you consent or not? Regardless of whether you were drunk or sober, if the sex is nonconsensual, it is rape. However, because each state has different definitions of "nonconsensual," please contact your local center or local police if you have questions about this. (If you were so drunk or drugged that you passed out and were unable to consent, it was rape. Both people must be conscious and willing participants.)"
Go to your college's health department to be tested for STDs and pregnancy. See a counselor to determine how you want to approach this. You must involve the guy in question in order to determine what happened and because he absolutely must take responsibility and face the consequences for his actions, just as you are prepared to do. He may have done this before.
----
Oh my fucking god, really? Really? I can't even begin to say how many things are wrong with this response. 'Amy' says that, yes, the girl was raped and then turned around and blamed it on her drinking. I.... This makes me want to punch 'Amy' in the face. Repeatedly. She blames the victim and then tells the girl to approach her rapist to confirm that he raped her. Because he obviously won't either deny it or try to silence her.
The 'advice' can be found HERE. Please send this woman hate mail. I'm not even kidding. I usually don't advocate that kind of action, but to say this in print to a young woman, plus all of the other women who read this....
Rape is never the victim's fault, nor is it about sex. It's about control, and for this woman to print this and call it 'advice'....
.
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no subject
Date: 2009-12-04 12:23 pm (UTC)First of all, I don't doubt that you're extremely nice! *g* It's just that those articles which say it is the female's fault, even slightly, seem to me to defy logic and law entirely. The implication, in this instance, is that due to the alcohol the woman had consumed, she made a call that turned out to be a bad idea: she went into a room, alone, with a guy, putting herself in the position that if he did try to push her into sex, it would be difficult to fight back physically or to stop him. But she also said, repeatedly, that she did not want to have sex, and he repeatedly assured her that would not happen. And then he had sex with her anyway. Yes, she was in a vulnerable position that could have been prevented if her inhibitions hadn't been lowered by alcohol, but in no way does that give him the right to rape her. It in no way makes it her fault. There is no legal limit on how much alcohol a person is allowed to consume unless they are getting behind the wheel of a car. She did not commit a crime by drinking; he committed a crime by sexually assaulting her.
I do acknowledge that there is danger in those situations, and that these kind of things happen all too often and that is why women are advised to drink sensibly and to try to stay aware so that they don't put themselves at risk. But that risk, that left alone with a vulnerable woman, a man may rape her, is not in any way the fault of a rape victim. That risk is presented entirely by the rapist. In the same way, even without drinking, if a woman is in a situation, alone with a man, where she promises sex and then withdraws her promise suddenly, he still does not have the right to violate her body. The rape is still his fault, because he chooses to rape her. Nobody asks to be raped.
I do think that as you pointed out, Amy Dickinson has been jumped on a little regarding her advice to get the rapist involved: she never directly tells the woman to confront him herself. And she does confirm, rightly, that the woman is a victim. Unfortunately, what she also does is place blame on the victim, as though she should take responsibility for preventing her rapist's crime. She said no. The man committed a crime. The responsibility for the crime is entirely his: it shouldn't be natural that a man is a rapist and a woman's job is not to allow herself to be raped.
I hope that explains my point-of-view, and maybe makes it a little clearer why this article outrages me, and others, so much. :-)