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snowdarkredI put this up on my facebook, but I'm posting it here too. This makes me sick.
I'm talking about a Dear Amy column at the Chicago Tribune that was published on November 27, 2009. A girl wrote in and.... I'm just going to copy and paste because I'm shaking with anger and I can' even type:
(The bold emphasis is mine.)
-----
(Edit:Also of note is one of the headlines this ran under: Sobering Advice to Rape Victim. I'm not even kidding. This ran here. Because lame, judgmental puns are FUN, dammit!)
Dear Amy: I recently attended a frat party, got drunk and made some bad decisions.
I let a guy take me to "his" room because he promised that he wouldn't do anything I wasn't comfortable with.
Many times, I clearly said I didn't want to have sex, and he promised to my face that he wouldn't.
Then he quickly proceeded to go against what he "promised." I was shocked, and maybe being intoxicated made my reaction time a bit slow in realizing what was happening.
We were soon kicked out of the room by the guy who lived there, who was pretty angry.
I guess my question is, if I wasn't kicking and fighting him off, is it still rape?
I feel like calling it that is a bit extreme, but I haven't felt the same since it happened.
Am I a victim?
-- Victim? in Virginia
Dear Victim?: First of all, thank you. I hope your letter will be posted on college bulletin boards everywhere.
Were you a victim? Yes.
First, you were a victim of your own awful judgment. Getting drunk at a frat house is a hazardous choice for anyone to make because of the risk (some might say a likelihood) that you will engage in unwise or unwanted sexual contact.
You don't say whether the guy was also drunk. If so, his judgment was also impaired.
No matter what -- no means no. If you say no beforehand, then the sex shouldn't happen. If you say no while its happening, then the sex should stop.
According to the Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network Web site (rainn.org):
"Alcohol and drugs are not an excuse -- or an alibi. The key question is still: Did you consent or not? Regardless of whether you were drunk or sober, if the sex is nonconsensual, it is rape. However, because each state has different definitions of "nonconsensual," please contact your local center or local police if you have questions about this. (If you were so drunk or drugged that you passed out and were unable to consent, it was rape. Both people must be conscious and willing participants.)"
Go to your college's health department to be tested for STDs and pregnancy. See a counselor to determine how you want to approach this. You must involve the guy in question in order to determine what happened and because he absolutely must take responsibility and face the consequences for his actions, just as you are prepared to do. He may have done this before.
----
Oh my fucking god, really? Really? I can't even begin to say how many things are wrong with this response. 'Amy' says that, yes, the girl was raped and then turned around and blamed it on her drinking. I.... This makes me want to punch 'Amy' in the face. Repeatedly. She blames the victim and then tells the girl to approach her rapist to confirm that he raped her. Because he obviously won't either deny it or try to silence her.
The 'advice' can be found HERE. Please send this woman hate mail. I'm not even kidding. I usually don't advocate that kind of action, but to say this in print to a young woman, plus all of the other women who read this....
Rape is never the victim's fault, nor is it about sex. It's about control, and for this woman to print this and call it 'advice'....
.
I'm talking about a Dear Amy column at the Chicago Tribune that was published on November 27, 2009. A girl wrote in and.... I'm just going to copy and paste because I'm shaking with anger and I can' even type:
(The bold emphasis is mine.)
-----
Rape question a matter of consent
(Edit:Also of note is one of the headlines this ran under: Sobering Advice to Rape Victim. I'm not even kidding. This ran here. Because lame, judgmental puns are FUN, dammit!)
Dear Amy: I recently attended a frat party, got drunk and made some bad decisions.
I let a guy take me to "his" room because he promised that he wouldn't do anything I wasn't comfortable with.
Many times, I clearly said I didn't want to have sex, and he promised to my face that he wouldn't.
Then he quickly proceeded to go against what he "promised." I was shocked, and maybe being intoxicated made my reaction time a bit slow in realizing what was happening.
We were soon kicked out of the room by the guy who lived there, who was pretty angry.
I guess my question is, if I wasn't kicking and fighting him off, is it still rape?
I feel like calling it that is a bit extreme, but I haven't felt the same since it happened.
Am I a victim?
-- Victim? in Virginia
Dear Victim?: First of all, thank you. I hope your letter will be posted on college bulletin boards everywhere.
Were you a victim? Yes.
First, you were a victim of your own awful judgment. Getting drunk at a frat house is a hazardous choice for anyone to make because of the risk (some might say a likelihood) that you will engage in unwise or unwanted sexual contact.
You don't say whether the guy was also drunk. If so, his judgment was also impaired.
No matter what -- no means no. If you say no beforehand, then the sex shouldn't happen. If you say no while its happening, then the sex should stop.
According to the Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network Web site (rainn.org):
"Alcohol and drugs are not an excuse -- or an alibi. The key question is still: Did you consent or not? Regardless of whether you were drunk or sober, if the sex is nonconsensual, it is rape. However, because each state has different definitions of "nonconsensual," please contact your local center or local police if you have questions about this. (If you were so drunk or drugged that you passed out and were unable to consent, it was rape. Both people must be conscious and willing participants.)"
Go to your college's health department to be tested for STDs and pregnancy. See a counselor to determine how you want to approach this. You must involve the guy in question in order to determine what happened and because he absolutely must take responsibility and face the consequences for his actions, just as you are prepared to do. He may have done this before.
----
Oh my fucking god, really? Really? I can't even begin to say how many things are wrong with this response. 'Amy' says that, yes, the girl was raped and then turned around and blamed it on her drinking. I.... This makes me want to punch 'Amy' in the face. Repeatedly. She blames the victim and then tells the girl to approach her rapist to confirm that he raped her. Because he obviously won't either deny it or try to silence her.
The 'advice' can be found HERE. Please send this woman hate mail. I'm not even kidding. I usually don't advocate that kind of action, but to say this in print to a young woman, plus all of the other women who read this....
Rape is never the victim's fault, nor is it about sex. It's about control, and for this woman to print this and call it 'advice'....
.
no subject
Date: 2009-12-07 10:11 pm (UTC)That makes me angry, and it is not advice. Should she have gotten drunk in the first place? No. I mean, that's always a bad idea, no matter what the situation.
But it's not her fucking fault. She said she didn't want to have sex, and that makes it rape. Incurring an increased risk of rape does not make it her fault that she was raped.
Gah. *facepalm.
And then it got worse:
Date: 2009-12-10 08:11 pm (UTC)Amy defends herself
Re: And then it got worse:
Date: 2009-12-10 08:35 pm (UTC)Yes, it is still bloody blaming the victim! I agree that she still told the girl that it was rape, I agree that she referred the girl to a reliable authority, but the point about drinking should never have come first, the question about whether or not the guy was drinking and his judgement was impaired should never have come up, because it is fucking irrelevant!
Bad phrasing is still bad phrasing. Is it unwise to get intoxicated? Yes. Should it have been mentioned as 'firstly?' Fuck no. And if several people read it wrongly, woman? You're doing it wrong.
Re: And then it got worse:
Date: 2009-12-10 09:01 pm (UTC)So MUCH of what she said didn't even matter. And then she pulled a version of the 'well I'm a blank, so it's okay for me to say these things because I ~understand~" Fuck that shit, she's still wrong. I just, gah, so much HATE for this woman right now.