Ugh, awkward family conversation is awkward

[snowdarkred]

Okay, so I don't remember how much I've told you guys about my family before, so here's a rough summery:

- My mom is bi but also heteronormative, which is confusing for me to understand but okay.
- My step-dad's an asshole.
- I've never meet my 'real' dad - aka, bio-dad - because he and Mom divorced when I was 11 months old and he fucked off to wherever the hell he went. I know what he looks like, I know what his name is, but I haven't met anyone on that side of my family.

Nor I have I ever had the inclination to.

Well, today, as I was helping Mom make Saturday lunch for everyone, she tried to have this really awkward conversation about my bio-dad and where he was and how I felt about him. And it was awkward. She wanted to assure me that she wouldn't mind if I chose to look for him, and my aunt was concerned that because I have facebook, he might be able to track me down and poison my mind or something. I dunno, I didn't really understand why that was a concern. She just felt the need to tell me.

My response was that, no, I don't want to look for him because I don't care, no really, I don't, please believe me, because it's true.

Not only that, but I'm eighteen. I'm not sure what the hell my aunt thinks that Mom can do about me having a facebook page. It's not like she can tell me to take it down. Not only that, but I don't use my last name on it, so I don't know how he'd find me in the first place. I don't show up in searches anyway, and when my name does pop up, it's not me.

It's always been hard for Mom to talk to me about my bio-dad and stuff because she hates him, and it shows. And she's occasionally used that to attack me ("You're just like your father!" is probably supposed to have more of an emotional impact on me than it does), and quite frankly, it's hard for me to feel angst about something that I've never known in the first place. I mean, Mom was with Tonya when I was younger, which meant that I had two mommys instead of a mom and a dad. Big fucking deal, right? And then Mom was single, and again, big fucking deal, though I was very angsty about Tonya, because she was my second parent. Etc.

So, no, I have no interest in 'reconnecting' with my bio-dad or whatever, and if I did, I wouldn't stop myself just because my mom doesn't approve. That hasn't exactly stopped me before, and I don't think it'll start working now.

I just. Don't. Care. And if that changes at some point in the future? Than sure, I might look him up, but until then, I am quite content to deal with the problems that are already in my life. I have no need to add more.

On a completely different note, I have now started an epic Criminal Minds/Leverage/Losers/NCIS/Covert Affairs xover. I think there's something wrong with me.

PS- ravenclaw_wench , YOU SUCK!!!!!!! >:(

Comments

[shanachie-quill.livejournal.com]

*hugs* Yes families are fucked in the head...just saying.

I'm gonna email you later...but I need to like pack and crap...since I'm going to Savannah in the morning. Hotel! And my boy! And no people! Which probably sounded wrong since I'm yelling about my boy, but I'll explain in a bit.

[snowdarkred.livejournal.com]

Yeah, my family is particularly fucked because my mom's half is part of cult. And I don't care what they have to say about it, they are a cult, with a budding compound and everything, so. :/

XD Looking forward to the email. Also, the epic crossover is your fault. You're the one encouraging my Covert Affairs obsession. >:| Hell, I'm even considering through a line in there about how Clay is John Winchester's cousin/half-brother or something. Because, really, there need to be more SPN crossovers in this fandom.

Good luck packing!

[shanachie-quill.livejournal.com]

Haha communal living and all? *shudders* I couldn't do it. I've been living in my family's pockets for 2 weeks and I'm ready to kill them. AND I'm getting a hotel for the two nights I'm spending with my boy because he's got roomies.

Um, the email might have to wait until I get to Savannah tomorrow...cuz it took me longer to pack than I thought it would...so I sorry.

I point to THIS from you when you blame me for your epic crossover...
In my headcanon, NCIS, Leverage, Covert Affairs, Criminal Minds, and The Losers all exist in the same universe. Think about that for a minute. And in those shows, there are five of my favorite hackers/characters ever, which are: Abby, Hardison, Auggie, Garcia, and Jensen. And in my headcanon, they all know each other. And hang out, and trade secrets, and have silly hacking challenges between themselves.

I will take the blame for feeding into your Covert Minds love though. :-)

[snowdarkred.livejournal.com]

I know, I know. But I need to blame somebody! You're totally a good target. ;) Also, "Covert Minds"? Sounds like an awesome show. ;) :D

I would not last two weeks with my family. I applaud your resolve.

Dude, it's okay. :D I'm not going to freak. Talk to me when you have time or are in the mood. ;) I'm not very demanding.

[shanachie-quill.livejournal.com]

I will be an enabler...you have my email...feel free to fill it with awesome fic. I do not beta, but I will bounce ideas with you and discuss canon or plot lines. And if you want an AIM name, I'm on there most of the time too. Hahah doesn't it? That's what happens when I'm typing and not paying attention...I never even noticed. (I totally need to use that for a fic title or something Covert Minds...and this time I almost typed Cover Minds)


I would not last two weeks with my family. I applaud your resolve.
Please...I had a meltdown the other night (Thursday I think) which is what led me to getting the hotel room. I am NOT a person who likes to be surrounded by a lot of people--no matter whether or not I am related to them. I have actually had panic attacks when surrounded by too many people if I do not expect it. And it is very rare that I attend concerts unless I really like the band (I find that if I can focus on the music I can generally block the people).

Dude, it's okay. :D I'm not going to freak. Talk to me when you have time or are in the mood. ;) I'm not very demanding.
okay...partially I want to get my thoughts in order so it makes sense. And so I can tell it in a somewhat linear fashion. And explain it all.

Oh check it out...Mingus is an actual person/band...see I's a dork too:
http://www.mingusmingusmingus.com/

[snowdarkred.livejournal.com]

I might do that. I'm thinking about scrapping the intro and redoing Eliot's POV, since I don't like the way his voice turned out. It didn't help that I decided halfway through that it would sound better in past tense rather than present. Some of the phrasing was weird.

Sometimes, typos are funny. This is one of those times. (On an unrelated note, one the reasons I'm a decent typer is because of fandom. I got so used to typing out quick replies that I actually became somewhat good at it. It was a surprise, since I don't tend to notice stuff about myself. I didn't even notice that my bust had gotten bigger until two months ago when I put on a bathing suit and went...oh. When did that happen? /TMI)

I've had panic attacks in crowds before; not fun. They weren't even very big crowds. :/ I hated the one concert I went to not because I didn't enjoy the performance, but because I hated having so many people there. Luckily, I'm usually with someone who knows about them, and my friends are good about either blocking them out or getting me out of there.

\o/ Dorkage~! :D

[shanachie-quill.livejournal.com]

So did you scrap it? I'm curious and wanting to see, but I know how hard it is to let your fic babies out into the world. Yeah I find it easier to write in past tense.

Sometimes, typos are funny. This is one of those times. (On an unrelated note, one the reasons I'm a decent typer is because of fandom. I got so used to typing out quick replies that I actually became somewhat good at it.
I had to learn to type to graduate high school. That's one of the requirements for my podunk high school. If you're in the college track--you had to be able to type 120 words or better a minute. I can still type very well. So well I don't even need to look at what I'm typing most of the time. Drives my momo nuts when I look at her, talk to her and continue typing.

It was a surprise, since I don't tend to notice stuff about myself. I didn't even notice that my bust had gotten bigger until two months ago when I put on a bathing suit and went...oh. When did that happen? /TMI)
I know freaky right?! And no trust me...that was not TMI. I've been told a lot more in much more graphic detail.

I've had panic attacks in crowds before; not fun. They weren't even very big crowds. :/ I hated the one concert I went to not because I didn't enjoy the performance, but because I hated having so many people there. Luckily, I'm usually with someone who knows about them, and my friends are good about either blocking them out or getting me out of there.
I choose my concerts very carefully and pick friends who either know my issues or who are willing to leave pretty soon after wards anyway. I did get into an argument with one friend after a show because she wanted to stick around and I had had enough. Luckily I am pretty stubborn. I would have just left her (with another friend) and taken a cab back to where we were staying, but she decided to go with me. I feel bad about my issues screwing up the fun times, but I'm better than I used to be.

\o/ Dorkage~! :D
Totally! Haven't had much luck finding the music though...I'll look more later.