Weekend of Solitude; also, in need of relationship advice

[snowdarkred]

1. It has begun! The Weekend of Solitude, AKA I Need to Get Shit Done. I have a ton of stuff I want to work on, from my Inception bigbang - which I am no longer certain is going to be what I thought it was? At this point, I am on the verge of just giving up, Jesus Christ - to the Sherlock!AU, to the next part in the girl!Jensen 'verse to all the other fics that need my attention. I'm kind of failing on the not-being-ADD thing right now. D:

2. Okay, I'm an asshole. I know this. Other people know this. My knee-jerk reaction to things is 'bitchy'. So, there was this prompt, on the inception kink meme, which I shouldn't have been looking at because I have more than enough to do already. But, you see, this prompt was really good, and it was already filled. But it was filled terribly. Like, horrible, overblown angst. And I hate that, you know? When it's obvious the writer has no idea what it really feels like to experience what they're writing about, when they've basically weaving their plot around a bunch of symptoms on a list. When the writing is terrible on top of that.

Like I said, I'm kind of an asshole.

So, instead of just clicking away and returning to my proper work, I did my own fill. I rather like it, actually, even if it's a bit shorter than I want and I had a typo in the last line that I can't fix because I posted anon. But I do plan on claiming it within a week or two, when I've had a chance to clean it up and expand some parts.

Anyway, I'm an asshole because all I wanted to do was message the original filler and say something along the lines of 'Nananana, I did it better than you!' I haven't, obviously, but it was a close thing. It would be really terrible of me if I did it.

I still wanted to. I am, as you know, an asshole.

3. Yes, thank you, Amazon. I was hoping for something more detailed in response to my inquiry as to the location of my goods. "US" doesn't really tell me much, considering the size of the country.

4. I saw Brick for the first time since I saw Inception. I introduced it to my parents, actually. It got a few laughs and winces from them, as well as some plot guesses along the way. They liked it, though they were right in saying that it felt like a really well-done student film (which it basically is). But it is now my head-canon for Arthur's background, because it fits, and I may have outlined a how-Brendan-becomes-Arthur story during work yesterday. The outline is a page long. I have no idea what I'm going to do with it.

I need to stop doing this shit to myself.

5. I have no money. Just, none. Going out every Wednesday with that boy who may, eventually, become my boyfriend is killing my bank account. And now that I've realized the reason I've always felt guilty about my relationships in the past (AKA, I don't feel sexually attracted to anyone, including the people I date) I'm not sure how this is going to go. I mean, how do other manage it. We have yet to even have a conversation about gay rights - which we need to have, seeing as I refuse to date douchebags, and I need to find out if he is one - how the fuck do I explain this to him? I don't want to lead this guy on or anything.

Also, I just realize this the other day: His name is Tyler. One of my exes is Taylor. Ack.

Does anyone have any advice? I mean, the guy is familiar with fandom, as he's a gamer and comic book nerd, but he's shied away from a question about gay rights/civil rights the other day, and it has me concerned. There's also the fact that he showed me where he lived (which is in not-so-good condition) and if I decide that I don't want a relationship with him, he may decide it's because I'm a classist bitch - which I'm not, seeing as I have lived in similar places. Just not anymore. :/

Also, I'm not sure if I trust him enough to hand over my LJ username and all that goes with it. :/

I also may be trying to talk myself out of starting anything at all, but I'm not sure what to do with that.

Comments

[weird-fin.livejournal.com]

I dunno, I guess all you can do is ask him outright and if he still shys away somethign could be iffy...unless you can tell its just self-confidence in general

[snowdarkred.livejournal.com]

*sigh* I'm just going to have to "man up" and have A Talk about it. I feat it may be awkward. But maybe worth it? Just, ugh, I hate this not-knowing bullshit. :(

[weird-fin.livejournal.com]

If he likes you and is open enough it shouldn't be that bad...awkward yes, but if it means that much to you (and you say so or he gets the idea) one question shouldn't turn him off you and if it does he's an idiot. Its not like your already asking where in life he wants to settle down, how many kids etc.

*hugs* Hope it goes well

[snowdarkred.livejournal.com]

I guess I need to take a leap of faith at some point. :/

It's just...hard? to trust people outside of my usual friend group. I got spoiled in high school and found a huge group of crazy people to hang out with. Now I barely see them and I'm not sure how Other People react to stuff. I mean, I was talking some other people the other day and was shocked when someone used the word "gay" in a derogatory way. And then I kicked myself for being shocked.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is that I have very little faith in most of humanity and I'm not sure where this guy, who I really like so far, is going to fall in that. :/

/ramble

[weird-fin.livejournal.com]

Yeah I guess there has to be a leap of faith somewhere. :/

I have no social life because I'm too scared to open up so...

Well, I know this might offend you or make you think less of me or whatever but in highschool msotly everyone used the word 'gay' in both a good light and bad light. But it wasn't like...how do I put this...the worst word/way you could say something? It was just thrown around, and that's the way I feel a lot of words are used in today's society. I think you have to really know the perso before you know if it truly mean offense or not... its like the word like, so many people hate the fact its been relegated to some 'like' term that 'like' means 'uhm' or pausing, but still 'like' so many people use it that way.

That's language and old or new meanings in society have become an important issue for 'respectful' memebers of society because on things like (gosh i overused that word and now it has no meaning to me right now *facepalm*) Twitter people argue that it is 'out of context' but the fact is Twitter is a context so...you have to be really specific or pretend to be rude to everyone.

Like comedians and that thing on Tope Gear about 'Special-needs cars', he makes fun of everyone but someone takes it to heart and there's a kerfuffle. People need thicker skins at times.

//end ramble

You're lucky that you all got together and had a big group to stick with each other, this was in highschool yeah?

Mine was an all girls' school (public though) and I think a lot were slighly uncomfortable with the idea of lesbians or bi's in our smallish community.

[snowdarkred.livejournal.com]

I'm not offended.

I know the difference between oblivious use of the word, and non-serious use, but I mean using it to hurt. :/ And yeah, gay isn't the most inventive or painful insult, but it's still jarring when you consider the thought that must be behind it.

I went to a large public school. We had to fight the admin a lot to have a GSA and get togethers and so on.

But as a group we were, and still are, pretty tight. I was always on the edge of it, but I made the best friends of my life there. They are a pretty awesome bunch, and I dated within its ranks. Now I'm in the scary outside world, without the social barrier. :/ And I don't trust anyone who isn't involved in fandom (most of my offline friends have a fandom pressence).

Ty is a fanboy, but he's not really in fandom, if you know what I mean, and that makes him New Territory. Add on recent revelations about my sexuality, and you have a giant mess of nerves. :(

[weird-fin.livejournal.com]

Yeah well, there is a huge population of people that still think in other ways. So its not really surprising. But yes, I can see for you it would be hard to deal with.

GSA *sigh* I've always wanted to be or know one of them ever since I first saw them in a movei or tv show about 5 years ago... I think that would have been really cool to have in our school.

Since we were an only girls school I didn't know many boys and so haven't dated, I mean I didn't know (still don't really) if I liked girls more/too but in that situation I was hardly going to put myself out on a line and sniff around to see if anyone was willing to go out with me...

Ah okay, yeah I think I do. I think I was a fangirl but in fandom for ages. Yeah, well, I guess it all depends on if you want to have a bit more fun without the awkward question or you prefer not to 'waste' your time if it turns out he isn't as awesome as you thought he could be. I'm sorry i'm not really any help. :(

[weird-fin.livejournal.com]

Obviously (or maybe not so) that was meant to say "I think I was a fangirl but not in fandom for ages"

[snowdarkred.livejournal.com]

I tend to avoid anyone that's that particular brand of douchebag. I just don't want to deal with it.

School admin in the south are typically fond of GSAs because they piss off Those kind of parents. :/ We had Calls. (Also, I am Deeply Abusing Capslock.)

I thought I was bi at first, because I had crushes on both genders. I guess it just takes trying? IDK, all of my sexual revelations were pretty lowkey. It's only a big deal if you make it one.

But don't worry too much about it; it doesn't matter if you're straight, bi, gay, asexual, aromantic, whatever. It'll work out in the end. <3 *hugs*

The last person I dated was super-cool about fandom; I even sent him some of my fics and he fixed my grammar. The girl before that wasn't in fandom, but pretty much everyone we know is, so she was also cool with it. And so on. I think things have progressed enough that I should figure it out, before we launch a sinking ship.

It's okay, bb. :D It's nice to talk.

[weird-fin.livejournal.com]

Unfortunately that means a LOT of people in the world.. *sighs*

Yeah, probably the whole 'experimentation' thing. ;) So you're... 'straight asexual'? Does that even make sense I'm hopeless with names etc.

*hugs* Hopefully.

I think it must depend on what kind of fics you write too, because if all you do is PWP there's going to be a lot of O_o going on.

I have a few real life friends that read fanfiction I think most read it though and don't write it, I have no idea what they'd think of me writing it. Haha, only one of them knows. And another girl who isn't really in fandom.

[snowdarkred.livejournal.com]

People are dicks. Trufax.

I consider myself a 'panromantic asexual,' which means that I go both ways, but I don't really like how biromantic sounds from a purely syllabic stand point. :) It's okay; I'm not too big on labels either.

It does, sweetie. I say this with my ~considerable (*cough*not*cough*) experience.

Well, I've only written with one or two fics with sex scenes, and I can't remember if I sent any of those.

I grew up with fandom, and therefore was kind of drawn to people who were also in it. My high school was big enough that I could find some con-going hardcore geeks. We sort of took over one of the halls as our base of operations and just expanded from there. We sort of absorbed most of the drama geeks, or maybe they absorbed us. I'm not sure.

My friends are cool with fic, but my parents are not. So, while my friends are sent panicking CAPSLOCK emails about my lastest writing fit, my parents are kind of just clueless.

Maybe one of your friends also has a secret fic-writing fandom life? That could totally be possible. :D

[weird-fin.livejournal.com]

Heh at the icon!

Biromantic...yeah that sounds strange. I get an image of someone professing love to their Biro collection. >_< *snerk*

I've only been with fandom from very late high school so not much of my life.

Wow that sounds cool, our conventions are only gaining huge momentum now so, geeks where usually those either into gaming/comics or the smart nerd of maths/physics/chemistry.

My parents don't know I write fic so. Only a select few.

Possibly, very possibly. :P

[snowdarkred.livejournal.com]

Panromantic at least sounds a little better while getting the point across. :3

I got started when I was maybe eleven or twelve? So I kind of grew with it. Sometimes I have to remind myself that 'normal people' don't use internet slang like het or slash or genderfuck or so on to describe stuff. :/

I think about forty people explicitly know; the rest infer. Correctly. :)

I bet one is! Fandom is huge and massive and ever growing, with all sorts of people stuffed into it. So it's entirely possible. :D There's a chance that, at some point, fandom is going to be known to pretty much everyone and not just internet trawlers. :P We'll take over the world! Or at least the market audience. Which has already started to happen, if you look at how closely Supernatural and Star Trek tailors to its fanbase.

[weird-fin.livejournal.com]

:)

Yeah, I can understand you having to watch yourself with internet/fandom langauge, its permeated into my emoticons and such and friends who I talke a lot to in high school and i haven't talked much on MSN with them all go WTF is XD? etc *facepalms*

Definitely. Apparently a few plot points and lines from the first episode of Bones was for/from the fans. Mostly via Twitter but still, I'm sure there's plenty of fandom exploitation for writer's to use.

[snowdarkred.livejournal.com]

It's just like this second language. Or, actually, it's more like a first language while I'm living in a country that uses a second one. I keep having to catch myself because while my friends would get it, normal people wouldn't. *bangs head* My BFF is in bandom, my other best friend is a BNF in pretty much every anime fandom she joins (she does art) and my last ex boyfriend was a hacker. I mean, seriously. My Life Is Fandom.

IDK, I quit watching Bones after last season. I just lost interest. *shrugs* :D But fandom references are becoming a trend. And if the creators are tight with the fans, the jabs/discussions are usually kind. It's a brave new world out there. I mean, actors go to fan conventions, ComicCon and Dragon*Con are huge star-power houses, Marvel and DC are determined to get comic books into the hands of as many people as possible, and it's damn free-for-all!

I mean, just the other month, an actress from the Sherlock BBC show tweeted (twitted?) about how she read a smut piece featuring her character...and liked it. And then she posted again to clarify: A lot. Fandom is not a secret new letter that's passed between fen like dirty magazines in the 40s. Between the Harry Potter fandom branching out and joining new ones and the ever present Star Trek people and the monster that is SPN, it's pretty much in the open as it is. Average Joe may not know about it at this point, but in five years? Probably will.

I'm not sure I like how scary that thought is.

[weird-fin.livejournal.com]

Its probably comforting to you? Like an expansion of your world. ;)

Eugh. But there will always be jerks/assholes be in the 'natural' world or fandom. Ew fandom wank. I have a post right now in a community I'm trying to figure out what to do with it...I've just frozen the thread....I should probably screen it too..it looks like it could get worse especially if others comment..I don't know. Maybe I'll ask the mod. Though i have a feeling one of the people involved IS a mod... *headdesk*